Why Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Justify Their Abuser: Understanding Trauma Responses and Healing

Why Survivors Justify Narcissistic Abuse

Understanding the Trauma Response

Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine

Many survivors struggle to understand why they justify narcissistic abuse, especially when it comes from someone they love. It can feel confusing to find yourself defending or excusing an abuser's behavior, or minimizing the harm.

The truth is, this tendency is not a personal weakness—it’s a natural trauma response. Your mind and nervous system are working hard to keep you safe in an unsafe relationship. Recognizing this response is a powerful first step toward breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse and reclaiming your sense of self.

Trauma Bonding

Narcissistic abuse creates a powerful emotional attachment called a trauma bond. Victims experience small doses of affection, kindness, or relief mixed in with cruelty. The cycle of love-bombing, devaluation, and small moments of affection wires the nervous system to cling to hope. Survivors focus on the “good times” and justify the bad as temporary or excusable.

Empathy and Hope

Victims often have high levels of empathy and hope. They want to believe the abuser can change, that the relationship can be repaired, or that the “good” side of the abuser is their true self. Justifying harmful behavior allows them to keep hope alive. This hope becomes a lifeline, even when it keeps them stuck in the cycle of abuse.

Cognitive Dissonance: Two Conflicting Truths

Survivors often carry two opposing realities:

• This person loves me.

• This person is hurting me.

  
  

Holding these beliefs—that someone you love or depend on is also harming you—creates deep psychological conflict. To cope, the brain reduces the discomfort by rationalizing the abuse: They’re stressed, they didn’t mean it, if I change, things will get better. 

Justification provides temporary relief from overwhelming emotional conflict. It makes their world feel more coherent and less threatening.

Gaslighting and Manipulation

Narcissistic abusers are skilled at manipulating perception. They use gaslighting, blame-shifting, and emotional manipulation to make victims question their own reality and believe they are responsible for the abuser's behavior. Over time, survivors internalize the message: If I were different, they wouldn’t treat me this way. Justifying the abuser becomes a conditioned response, reinforced by fear and confusion.

Fear of Loss or Abandonment

Acknowledging abuse may mean facing painful truths: the relationship is toxic, the person they love doesn’t love them in return, or they may have to walk away. Justification delays this loss and shields them from overwhelming grief or fear of being alone.

The Nervous System’s Role: Survival Mode

Justifying the abuser’s behavior is the nervous system’s way of keeping a person safe. By making excuses, the body helps maintain connection—because, in the past, losing that connection felt even more threatening than enduring the abuse.

When a person is trapped in the cycle of narcissistic abuse, their mind and body remain on high alert, scanning for threats even in moments that appear calm. This hypervigilance shapes how they interpret the abuser’s behavior.

The Body’s Survival Instincts

The body’s survival instincts are designed to protect us. In dangerous situations, it automatically reacts with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, often before we even think. When someone faces ongoing threats, like abuse, the body can stay stuck in survival mode, always on alert, even when the immediate danger has passed.

• Fight/Flight feels too dangerous with a narcissistic abuser. It’s been proven unsafe through previous experience, therefore isn't an option for survivors.

  
  

  • Fight is punished. If the victim stands up for themselves, argues, or pushes back, the narcissist typically escalates the abuse through rage, threats, silent treatment, or other manipulative tactics. Over time, the nervous system learns that “fighting back” only leads to more pain and danger.

  • Flight is impossible. Many victims feel trapped — emotionally, financially, or psychologically. The narcissist may isolate them from support systems, control resources, or convince them they can’t survive without the relationship. The body registers “leaving” as unsafe or unattainable.

    
    

• Freeze numbs emotions to help survivors tolerate the pain. Even when victims recognize abuse, the nervous system can create paralysis, causing them to endure the abuse in silence. The idea of leaving feels unsafe, so the brain justifies staying—“They’ll change,” “It’s not abuse,” “I can handle it.” Even though the cost for staying is high, this response protects from the terror of having to separate.

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• Fawn (appease/please) becomes the most common response for victims of narcissistic abuse. They will placate, excuse, or justify the abuser’s behavior to secure some degree of safety. The nervous system learns that through fawning it can keep things calmer and reduce the torment.

Early Attachment and Conditioning

For those who grew up in chaotic or abusive homes, the nervous system may be wired to equate love with inconsistency, volatility, or conditional approval. In adulthood, this makes minimizing or justifying harm feel familiar and even necessary.

For the nervous system, appeasement feels safer than resistance. Justifying the abuser’s behavior feels “normal” because the body associates appeasement with survival and connection. The body has learned: If I excuse them, I stay connected. If I challenge them, I lose love.

Stress Hormones and Conditioning

When kindness or approval is only given sporadically, the nervous system clings to any semblance of it for survival. Even amid ongoing hurt, those rare moments of kindness or connection can feel so comforting that leaving seems more frightening than staying. These brief moments of pleasure trigger a release of dopamine, making the urge to hold on even stronger.

In tense moments, surges of cortisol can trigger fear, making it feel overwhelming and unsafe to speak up. In that state, it often feels safer to excuse or justify the abuse than to confront it.

Dissociation and Cognitive Protection

When trauma feels unbearable, the nervous system protects the person by distorting or numbing reality. Justification becomes a way of dissociating from the truth: “It’s not that bad, they’re just having a hard day.” While it can provide temporary relief, it also allows the cycle of abuse to continue.

Why This Matters for Healing

Recognizing that justification is a trauma response, not a personal flaw, is empowering. It helps survivors shift from self-blame to self-compassion.

Healing involves:

• Understanding trauma bonds and how to break them

• Rebuilding trust in your own perception of reality

• Calming and retraining the nervous system

• Receiving support from safe, validating people

Final Thoughts

If you find yourself justifying the behavior of a narcissistic abuser, please know: you are not broken. Your mind and body developed coping strategies to protect you. With awareness, support, and healing, you can release the need to justify, reclaim your truth, and build relationships rooted in respect and safety.

Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the best-selling, groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.