How to Deal With a Narcissist
Twenty-Five Strategies
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
Engaging with a narcissist can be highly challenging in both personal relationships and professional situations. Narcissists often manipulate, gaslight, and seek attention, which can leave you feeling drained and invalidated. Knowing how to deal with a narcissist is crucial for your emotional health.
When searching for someone to meet your needs, offer support, and recognize your worth, do not depend on a narcissistic abuser. These individuals are emotionally limited and cannot empathize with your feelings. They will never become the person you desire. Recognizing this truth sooner will significantly improve your situation.
You may have caught fleeting glimpses of an ideal individual within your narcissist, convincing yourself that a good person exists somewhere beneath the surface and that change is possible. While it’s true that narcissists are human and can occasionally display moments of humanity, they lack true empathy. It is crucial not to let these rare instances of kindness mislead you into thinking the narcissist has the capacity for growth. A narcissist's kindness is often self-serving, aimed at achieving personal benefits. Focus on the reality of the situation; what you see is what you get.
The following suggestions can aid you in managing the narcissist in your life. It is important to be as strategic in safeguarding yourself as your abuser is in their attempts to control and harm you.
Educate yourself about narcissism.
Knowledge empowers you to recognize narcissistic behavior. The more you know, the easier it becomes to spot manipulative traits.
Stay emotionally distant.
When living with a narcissist, it is important to keep your emotions and feelings to yourself. Be cautious and avoid displaying any signs of being upset. Engaging in rational discussions with them is unproductive, as they see these expressions as vulnerabilities to exploit. This advice holds true even when you are physically apart from the narcissist, although it may be easier to manage.
Do not give advice or tips to narcissists.
What you mean as helpful advice may be interpreted as criticism, which could trigger an angry response from them.
Check your sense of humor.
Narcissists lack the capacity to see themselves humorously. Their humor may not be relatable to others, and they often respond defensively to any jokes that reveal their vulnerabilities.
Set Clear Boundaries
Establish boundaries around what behaviors you will accept and what you will not. When these boundaries are ignored, don't hesitate to enforce consequences. This not only protects your emotional well-being but also reinforces your control over the situation.
Postpone and delay rather than confront.
Should you feel that a conversation is not going in your favor or you're being criticized, consider making excuses to allow yourself some time and to help temper their emotions.
Be direct and concise when you speak to the narcissist.
The more you explain, the less confident you may seem. There's no need to justify yourself or fill awkward pauses. Simply express your thoughts and allow for silence.
Never negotiate with narcissists.
They are highly skilled manipulators, and the outcomes will never be in your favor.
Never give narcissists a second chance.
When they make a promise and fail to keep it, resist the temptation to believe they will do better in the future. They won’t. If they cross a boundary you’ve established, enforce the consequences you’ve set.
Manage narcissists' wayward emotions and moods.
Imagine their actions as those of a child having a meltdown, rather than an adult who holds power over you. Focus on calming their fears and anxieties. It is their vulnerability, not their confidence, that drives their bullying behavior.
Convince narcissists that you are playing on the same team.
Do not give them reasons to treat you like an enemy.
Have no expectations of narcissists.
They will never acknowledge your emotions, take accountability for their actions, or express remorse for the pain they've caused you. Their lack of concern towards you is unwavering.
Prepare for Manipulation
Being aware that narcissists are often skilled manipulators can help you maintain composure. Strategize for interactions by creating a mental checklist that reinforces your self-worth. Reminding yourself of your value can counteract their attempts to undermine you.
Accept that what you see is what you get.
They will not become the person you hope for. Don't be fooled into thinking they will change. Keep this in mind regularly. Establish an affirmation that reinforces this important truth for yourself.
Try not to take the treatment of you personally.
The abuse you experience from them is a manifestation of their insecurities. It is not a reflection of your worth.
Stay focused on your personal objectives.
Keep your eyes on the prize and don’t let narcissists distract you. Do everything possible to accomplish your goals. Prioritize your independence by engaging in hobbies and interests outside the relationship. Be patient and think strategically.
Exercise self-control.
Narcissists know how to elicit reactions. They are drawn to drama and thrive on the chaos they create. It's best not to engage with their antics.
Never accuse or blame narcissists.
Avoid their rage. Narcissists are blind to their flaws and will not admit to being wrong. Take ownership of your emotions by framing them with “I” statements.
Never demand or give ultimatums.
To direct the attention of narcissists, frame your suggestions in a way that enhances their self-worth and appeals to their ego. Instead of saying, “My office is having another family picnic. I always want to go and you never agree to it. If you say no I am going without you,” you could say, “My boss asked about you today. He thinks you are so intelligent and interesting, and looks forward to seeing you at this year’s family picnic. The gals in my office hope to see you there too. They always talk about how handsome and charming you are.”
Narcissists feed off of compliments.
There’s nothing that calms a fierce spirit quite like a little flattery. Compliment their achievements, praise their appearance, and express your admiration for the effortless way they connect with others.
Narcissists use fear to control their victims.
Never let them see your fear. Stand strong and reclaim your power.
Take nothing narcissists say at face value.
They lie and manipulate even when it’s unnecessary, revising the past to fit their narrative. Be cautious with everything they say to avoid falling into their traps.
Never retaliate against narcissists.
You will only worsen your circumstances. Instead, think strategically. Figure out what makes them tick and use that to your advantage.
Utilize the "Gray Rock" Technique
The "Gray Rock" technique involves becoming uninteresting in conversations with the narcissist. Share minimal personal information and keep your emotional responses neutral. This is a temporary strategy ONLY to be used when distancing yourself from the person is a possibility.
Know When to Walk Away
Sometimes, stepping back from a relationship with a narcissist is necessary for your mental health. If their behavior becomes too toxic or harmful, consider making a clean break.
Final Thoughts
Navigating a relationship with a narcissist is undoubtedly challenging. By employing these twenty-five strategies, you can tackle these interactions with more confidence. Remember to educate yourself, set firm boundaries, and seek support. Your feelings are valid, and prioritizing your mental health is not just important but essential. With the right tools and mindset, you can maintain your sense of self and lead a healthier, more balanced life.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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