Divorcing a Narcissist
Twenty Strategies and Tips
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
It would seem as if the thought of divorcing a narcissist who has lied to you, cheated on you, manipulated you, caused problems for you, disappointed you, made you feel terrible about yourself, had you living in a constant state of stress and fear, and possibly even isolated you would bring you a sense of great relief. So why doesn't it?
It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and anxious at the thought of leaving an abusive partner. You are not alone in this; many individuals share these feelings.
When you enter into marriage, it's with the hope and belief that it will last a lifetime. It's heartbreaking to find yourself in such a difficult situation, especially when you never anticipated it. You've put in so much effort to salvage your relationship, yet it feels like nothing is making a difference.
You've taken pleasure in the small gestures of love, respect, or devotion from your partner, treating them like lavish feasts, while clinging to the hope that things will get better. From time to time, you may see reflections of the person you thought you married, the one you believed loved you as much as you loved them. It's important to acknowledge that narcissists are incredibly adept at manipulation.
Narcissistic predators realize that if they don't break their cycle of abuse from time to time, their partners might start to see the reality of their situation. This tactic, known as intermittent reinforcement, involves inserting brief moments of tenderness amidst the ongoing pain, which keeps their victims feeling confused and dependent on them.
Facing the decision to leave or divorce a narcissistic spouse can evoke a deep sense of fear, especially when the outcome is unclear. It's not uncommon to feel as if your partner has all the leverage, leading you to believe that you are powerless and that a divorce would be catastrophic for you.
You have more strength and control than you might believe. You can confront those inner demons and transition to a life filled with peace and happiness. It’s just a matter of knowing how to navigate that journey effectively.
Strategies and Tips
Twelve strategies for the best possible outcome.
Seek the support of a mental health professional
Ending a marriage is challenging enough, but when a narcissistic partner is involved, it can feel like an emotional battle. If you haven't considered counseling or therapy before, now is an excellent time to think about it. A knowledgeable therapist can assist you in processing the myriad emotions that may surface, such as anger, frustration, sadness, and guilt about the dissolution of your marriage.
Mental health professionals who are experienced with narcissistic behavior and can provide you with practical strategies for managing your interactions with your spouse during the divorce.
Engaging in therapy can be crucial for your mental well-being during this difficult journey.
Do not threaten divorce or mention that you are considering it
Tempting as it may be, do not discuss/threaten separation or divorce with your narcissistic spouse. The threat of losing you will not make her regret the way she's treated you and change it. Abuse, manipulation and control are her nature.
Remember, narcissists are always ten steps ahead of you. In the blink of an eye they can plot out a strategy for days, weeks, months or even years ahead. Never give them that advantage. If you have already discussed/threatened divorce, don't be concerned. You can easily throw her off the scent and feed her need for narcissistic supply by saying, "I don't know what I was thinking when I said that. I love you, am fully committed to this marriage, and never plan to leave you." And then never bring it up again.
If she tries to back you into a corner and pressures you to talk about it, deny, deny, deny. Just keep saying, "I love you, am fully committed to this marriage, and never plan to leave you." That said, if you are in a physically dangerous situation you must get out immediately and then hide out in a place where she can't find you.
Develop strategy for leaving
Once you come to terms with the reality of the situation you are in and the fact that it will never get better, begin planning your strategy for leaving. The outcome will be much better if you strategize rather then just walking out the door in exasperation.
It is not easy to stay and pretend that nothing is wrong when you are at the end of your rope, but for the sake of survival you must do it. Your narcissistic spouse is an actor. You must be one as well.
Keep detailed records
Keep a detailed, dated journal of everything that happens. Include the times that the incidents happen.
Gather up as much financial information as you can (bank statements, tax returns, stock portfolios, deeds, pay stubs, etc.) and make copies. Do not keep any evidence at home where there is a risk of them being found. Financial resources may magically disappear after you/they leave. You will need evidence of their prior existence.
If you are going to need money and have access to joint finances, you may want to begin taking small, unnoticeable amounts and then socking the money away. If you charge groceries, every time you go, you may want to use the card to get cash back.
Hide or remove your valuables and sentimental things to prevent them from being stolen or destroyed.
Hire the right attorney from the start
Search for the right attorney and get educated about your legal rights. Choose a lawyer who specializes in high-conflict divorce (not collaborative divorce); someone who has experienced what it is like to oppose someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Ensure that this person has a track record to prove he or she can effectively represent you.
Most family law and divorce attorneys will tell you that they have experienced every kind of situation. That is not good enough. If they have not specifically experienced the manipulations and charades someone with NPD will pull, they will not be adequately prepared to defend you and the outcome will not likely be in your favor.
Narcissists often hire unscrupulous attorneys to represent them. You don't need to do the same but your attorney must be highly experienced, forceful, and strategic.
Educate yourself about parental alienation (if you have children)
Parental alienation is a common tactic used by narcissistic parents to destroy the targeted spouse's relationship with the children. With parental alienation, children are turned against their loving parent and are brainwashed to be fiercely loyal to the abusive one.
Educate yourself on what parental alienation is so you can recognize the beginning signs of it. Prepare your children ahead of time to resist this mind control tactic. Preparing does not mean telling them you are going to terminate the marriage. Leave your children out of adult situations.
The preparations must be subtle. Use every opportunity to teach them to trust their instincts and feelings rather than believing what they are told to believe. Reinforce that children are not responsible for the feelings and happiness of others, even their parent's.
Make wonderful lasting memories with your children and be sure to document them with video and photographs.
Seeking protection on the day of service
Once you feel prepared, you and your attorney can arrange to have your spouse served divorce papers. If you have children be sure they are nowhere near the parent when it happens. You should not be either. Discuss the options with your attorney prior to having your spouse served so arrangements can be made
Navigating communication attempts
Once he is served he will call and text incessantly. If you choose to respond to his texts or calls, you only have to do it once (if at all) and then keep it brief. After that, ignore his attempts to reach you or turn off your phone.
He will want to probe you for information to use against you at a later time. Do not share any details or make any promises.
He will use every tactic he can think of to suck you back in; beg you, promise to change, and try to make you feel guilty. Given your state of mind, it might be challenging for you to recognize the falsehoods, so try to steer clear of situations that could lead to that. If you go down that path, it’s likely that you’ll end up back with him. Things will not get better, and they will definitely get worse.
Staying safe in the aftermath
If you can permanently stay away, that is best. If you do not have children, leave no forwarding information. If you do have children this will be seen by the courts as an attempt to alienate the children from their parent. Be sure she knows where the children are.
Avoid confrontations
If you own property together and your spouse refuses to leave, you might have to go home for a period of time. If possible, do not share the marital bed.
Do not emotionally or physically react to anything that is said to you. He may attempt to provoke you, as he thrives on your responses. Do not give him what he wants.
Do not get into verbal or physical altercations with him. And, unless you are truly in physical danger do not enlist the help of law enforcement. By doing so, you might find him reversing the situation, making you appear as the aggressor while he assumes the role of the victim.
Steer clear of communication traps
Answer all questions with non-emotional, non-committal statements such as: "That's interesting" or "I'm not sure" or "Whatever you think" or "Seems so" or "It's possible" or "Hmm". There are different ways to respond, Be creative.
Refrain from providing real answers to her questions, addressing any concerns, or signing any documents or agreements. These could be traps that could be leveraged against you later on.
Once she has been served, all details should be worked out attorney to attorney. This can be costly, but it is the only true way to protect yourself.
Follow the advice of your attorney
Divorcing a narcissist is a legal matter. Follow the advice of your attorney.
The best scenario is for your attorney to successfully negotiate a settlement with your spouse's attorney without going to court. However, if that can't happen, the court will ultimately decide on the terms of your divorce and child custody.
Tips Â
Be careful who you confide in
Be prepared for your network of close friends and family to diminish quite a bit.
Individuals who have faced narcissistic abuse are likely to be the ones who truly comprehend your feelings. This lack of understanding from others can make it difficult for them to believe what you’re sharing.
Narcissists often adapt their behavior to fit different situations, making it difficult for those outside the home to recognize their abusive tendencies. Because they don’t share your perspective, they might dismiss your experiences, labeling you as overly sensitive or unjust. When you attempt to discuss your feelings, they may react with irritation. You might find yourself pressured to "resolve the issues," which can be incredibly painful.
It’s clear that you’re dealing with a lot of confusion and trauma, and talking about it is essential. However, be selective about who you share your thoughts with—choose those who truly understand. Connecting with a coach, counselor, or therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse can provide you with the vital support you need. Their insights will be incredibly helpful for you.
Beware of flying monkeys
A narcissist might retaliate by trying to alienate you from your friends and family. Be careful about disclosing personal information until you have established that the person you’re speaking with is genuinely trustworthy.
Watch out for surveillance
Consider stepping away from all social media platforms. Your narcissistic partner may use them to monitor your activities and gather a network of people to support their agenda.
If you start feeling uneasy, it might be a good idea to have your electronic devices checked for spyware, your vehicle inspected for tracking devices, and your home examined for hidden microphones. Some narcissists may invade your privacy by hacking into your phone and email accounts. Stay vigilant.
Prepare for the smear campaign
The moment divorce proceedings are initiated, you may be perceived as the narcissist's arch-enemy. Any shared experiences will be irrelevant to them. Their compulsive need to win will dominate their behavior.
Be prepared for the possibility that she might resort to making completely unfounded accusations if she thinks it will strengthen her position. Knowing this in advance can help you brace yourself and prevent feelings of shock, hurt, or disappointment when the smear tactics emerge.
Prioritize the important things
Control is a central theme for narcissists. They may engage in tactics like blackmail or manipulation to keep others under their influence.
It's important to let go of property if the narcissist is unwilling to part with it, even if you feel entitled to it. Your peace of mind and safety should always come first. Focus on what truly matters.
Never negotiate
 When dealing with narcissists, you may find that they don’t keep their promises. It’s best to avoid direct conversations or negotiations with them, as these interactions often lead to disappointment.
Communicate through court-ordered apps
When you have children and need to communicate, it's best to use apps like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents. Keep in mind that anything shared on these platforms can be used as evidence in court.
Watch your words closely. Use proper etiquette, show a willingness to adapt and collaborate, and deliver responses that are polite but also brief and focused.
Do not blindly trust the legal system and court-appointed officials
The family court system has its flaws, and sometimes the outcomes can feel unfair.
It is not uncommon for narcissists to manipulate the judicial process, influencing judges and offering payments to guardian ad litem, court-appointed therapists, custody evaluators, and other individuals involved in family law.
Remember, it's crucial to be cautious and not to take for granted that the legal system will automatically have your best interests at heart.
Embracing a New Beginning
Divorcing a narcissist can often feel like navigating a minefield. The chaos, manipulation, and emotional turmoil can turn this process into a harrowing experience. However, understanding this unique situation can empower you. By taking informed steps, you can regain control of your life and work towards a healthier future. With the right strategies and mindset, you can survive the storm of a narcissistic divorce.
You are not alone in this process. Take it one day at a time. As you move forward, remember that brighter days are ahead. Embrace your inner strength, and take steps to reclaim your life.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse. Â
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