Fear of Being a Narcissist After Abuse: Why Survivors Worry

Fear of Being a Narcissist After Abuse

Why Survivors Worry

Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine

This fear of being a narcissist after abuse is so widespread that I consider it almost a hallmark of the healing journey. It can feel frightening to wonder if you’ve absorbed the traits of your abuser or if you might secretly be the same as the person who harmed you.

One of the most common fears survivors bring up in their very first session with me is this: “What if I’m the narcissist?”

The reassuring truth is simple: if you’re worried about being a narcissist, you’re not one.

Why Survivors Fear They Might Be Narcissistic

A frequent trauma response after narcissistic abuse is self-doubt. Survivors tend to examine their own behavior relentlessly, fearing they might have turned into the very thing they suffered from.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse are typically highly empathetic, deeply self-reflective, and sensitive to the feelings of others. These qualities are the complete opposite of narcissism. But after years of being gaslighted, manipulated, and told that everything is “your fault,” it’s natural to question your own identity.

Abusers often project their own behaviors onto their victims. If your abuser called you “selfish,” “uncaring,” or even a “narcissist,” you may have internalized those accusations. Over time, this conditioning can lead to self-doubt, shame, and the belief that you might secretly be the problem.

The Key Difference Between Survivors and Narcissists

The fear of being narcissistic is itself proof that you are not. Narcissists are virtually incapable of genuine self-reflection or accountability. They rarely, if ever, question whether their behavior hurts others.

Survivors, on the other hand, spend significant time worrying about being too harsh, too selfish, or too much. They want to understand themselves better and take responsibility when necessary. That level of concern and self-awareness is the opposite of narcissism.

Do Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Become Narcissists?

A question I hear often is: “If I lived with a narcissist, does that mean I’ll become one too?”

The answer is no. Survivors may adopt temporary protective behaviors—such as shutting down emotionally, avoiding intimacy, or becoming hyper-independent—but these are survival strategies, not personality disorders. With healing, these patterns soften, and the survivor’s true, empathic nature re-emerges.

Signs You’re Not a Narcissist

If you’re still unsure, here are some signs that clearly separate survivors from narcissists:

• You feel guilty if you think you’ve hurt someone.

• You worry about whether you’re doing the right thing.

• You are open to feedback and willing to change.

• You value empathy, kindness, and connection.

• You care deeply about not repeating harmful patterns.

  
  

These are not traits of narcissism—they are traits of compassion.

Healthy Behaviors Survivors Mistake for Narcissism

Survivors often confuse normal, healthy behaviors with selfishness or narcissism. For example:

• Setting boundaries may feel “selfish” if you were punished for doing so in the past.

• Feeling anger may feel “abusive,” but anger is a natural and necessary emotion.

• Taking time for yourself might feel “self-centered,” but self-care is an essential part of healing.

Recognizing these as healthy human behaviors, not red flags, is an important step in recovery.

Reclaiming Your Identity After Narcissistic Abuse

The very fact that you are questioning whether you might be narcissistic shows your empathy and self-awareness. Narcissists do not worry about these things—but survivors do, because they care.

Part of healing is learning to trust yourself again. That means challenging the lies your abuser planted, reclaiming your truth, and affirming that you are not the narcissist—you are the one who was harmed.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever worried that you might be narcissistic, you are not alone. Nearly every survivor of narcissistic abuse has the same fear at some point. But the difference lies in empathy and self-awareness—qualities that survivors consistently demonstrate, and narcissists consistently lack.

Your fear is not proof that something is wrong with you. It’s evidence of your compassion, your integrity, and your commitment to doing better. Those qualities make you the opposite of a narcissist.

Frequently Asked Questions About the Fear of Being a Narcissist After Abuse

Q: Do survivors of narcissistic abuse become narcissists?

No. Survivors may develop temporary survival strategies such as emotional withdrawal or hyper-independence, but these are not narcissistic traits. True narcissists lack empathy and accountability, while survivors consistently demonstrate both.

Q: Why do I fear I’m a narcissist after abuse?

This fear usually comes from gaslighting and blame-shifting by the abuser. Survivors often internalize false accusations and question their own identity. The fact that you worry about it shows self-awareness, which is the opposite of narcissism.

Q: How can I tell if I’m a narcissist or just a survivor?

If you feel guilt, reflect on your actions, care about how you affect others, and want to grow, you are not a narcissist. Narcissists do not worry about their behavior or feel genuine remorse.

Q: Is it normal to question myself after narcissistic abuse?

Yes. Self-doubt is a common trauma response. Healing involves rebuilding trust in yourself and recognizing that this fear is evidence of your empathy—not a sign of narcissism.

Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the best-selling, groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.