Narcissistic Injury and Rage
Why They Blame and Bully
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
Narcissistic injury is the term used to describe the emotional torment suffered by someone with narcissistic personality disorder when under "perceived" attack. If you have ever questioned a narcissist or tried to hold the person accountable for the impossible behavior being directed at you, you have certainly experienced the blaming and bullying conduct of narcissistic injury and rage.
Just below the surface of every narcissist lie repressed aggression, paranoia, suspicion and fear. They are volatile, dramatic, and emotional people who feed off of any kind of drama—good or bad, negative or positive. When there isn’t enough drama in their lives they create it.
Narcissists cannot tolerate any suggestion that they are less than perfect. Their "False Selves" perceive criticism as a threat; one that may expose their deeply wounded "True Selves", the self-loathing part of them that they vehemently deny.
When a narcissist’s expectations are not met or he feels criticized, disapproved of, or blamed, narcissistic injury triggers erratic responses such as rage, blame, or the cold-shouldered silent treatment.
Negative feedback of any sort, even an innocuous suggestion that a person wishes to be treated better, can trigger the vicious outbursts known as “narcissistic rage.”
Two Types Of Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic rage can be categorized into two distinct types:
Explosive rage
Explosive rage is akin to a temper tantrum. It is a fury released at even the slightest provocation. Any challenge, insult, lack of respect or defiance whether real, trivial, or imagined can send a narcissist flying into this rage.
When on counter-attack from narcissistic injury, explosively raging narcissists aggressively scream, spew horrible insults, belittle their targets, and dredge up sensitive or confidential information and throw it back in the person’s face. The narcissist’s face during an explosive rage is among the most frightening you will ever see in your life. It is like coming face-to-face with the most terrifying monster you could ever imagine.
Pernicious/passive-aggressive rage
Pernicious/passive-aggressive rage is a mind game that is vindictive and emotionally torturous. Victims are ostracized and shunned by the narcissist for extended periods of time through sulking, ignoring, or the silent treatment. It may be expressed through body language, facial expressions or tone of voice.
Passive-aggressive rage keeps victims, who in many cases do not know what they have done wrong, in a constant state of anxiety, mental anguish, and physical illness. Since the isolation, rejection and abandonment experienced by victims feels unbearable, they are willing to do anything to end it. That usually means apologizing for something they haven’t done, groveling or coddling. When that happens, the narcissist's craving for supply is fulfilled--at least in that moment--and the silent treatment ends.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Rage
1. Triggering Events
Narcissistic rage often begins with a trigger. This could be something minor, like a flippant comment or constructive feedback. Regardless of the intent, the narcissistic individual perceives it as a direct threat to his or her self-worth.
2. Emotional Response
The subsequent emotional response can vary widely, from mild annoyance to intense rage. This reaction often seems disproportionate to the slight because it is fueled by underlying insecurities rather than the event itself.
In these moments, narcissistic individuals may lash out with yelling, blame others, or withdraw completely, all as a means of protecting their self-esteem.
3. The Aftermath
After an outburst, the cycle can lead to feelings of remorse, denial, or even more aggression. Narcissistic individuals might rationalize their actions or place blame on external factors, perpetuating a toxic cycle within their relationships.
4. Repair Attempts
Some may feel a need to mend relationships post-outburst, but their approach can vary greatly. Often, narcissistic individuals may seek to regain power rather than genuinely apologize, which can lead to further conflict and confusion.
Terrorization Campaign
Punishment
The narcissist’s terrorization campaign is all about power and control. Narcissists zero in on their target's emotional hot buttons, and then attack when the person’s defenses are down. The punishments are mentally and sometimes physically cruel. It is never a fair fight. The only tool victims have at their disposal is placation. Fully aware of that handicap, narcissists ruthlessly condition victims to fear them so they can get what they want.
Provocation and Exasperation
Narcissists have the ability to get into others’ heads and learn what makes them tick. They scrutinize people to figure out how they will react to things. Once narcissists can predict their victim’s reactions, they know exactly how to hurt them.
They keep mental records of everything their victims do and say, and all the things that deeply trigger their pain. To solicit an outburst, they bully, harass, and provoke victims to the point of exasperation. When victims get upset they are accused of being overly sensitive or thin skinned. When pushed beyond their limit, when they can hold back no longer and finally erupt, narcissists contend, “Look at how crazy you’re acting. I’m not the one with the problem, you are.”
Projection
Narcissists can never be held accountable for anything they do. To avoid being pinned down they use a tactic known as “projection”-- assigning the liability of their feelings or actions to others. When they lie they accuse the other person of being a liar. When they hurt someone they accuse that person of hurting them. When they cheat they accuse the other person of being a cheater. If they make an accusation, they will later deny ever saying it. They accuse others of being selfish and unloving when it is they who are selfish and unloving. Something or someone else is always to blame. No matter what occurs they will never accept responsibility for the part they play.
Blame-Shifting
Narcissists pretend to have very selective memories. They will say they don’t remember something, deny it happened, or claim that the other person is just making it up. They will obstinately argue that they are right. You can never win a verbal battle with them because they are Teflon. Nothing sticks to them. The harder you try to hold a narcissist accountable, the worse the assault on you will be. They will distort, fabricate, or exaggerate—whatever it takes to make a point and win.
Violent Mood Swings
Narcissists lack emotional self-control, are impulsive, and are prone to wild, violent mood swings. Criticism or disobedience is guaranteed to set them off. They can act happy and agreeable as long as everything is going their way, they have what they want, and no one is challenging them. But people around them never know what to expect. One minute they are pleasant, the next minute furious. They switch from high to low and from passivity to aggression with no warning.
Humiliation and Devaluation
Narcissists have poor senses of humor. They cannot laugh at themselves. The slightest joke at their expense will be met with an angry outburst. They resent others for being able to enjoy humor when they cannot. In their haughty, high and mighty way, they capitalize on every opportunity to dampen people’s spirits. When others are enjoying themselves, they must put an end to it. This is done through humiliation; through the devaluation of others’ senses of humor.
In Closing
Narcissistic rage occurs when narcissists feel their self-esteem is threatened and consequently suffer "injury". This anger is not just a momentary outburst, but an emotionally charged response that can overwhelm those involved.
Narcissistic injury, and the rage, blaming, and bullying that accompanies it can deeply affect victims, leading to long-lasting psychological trauma.
Repeated exposure to this trauma can result in chronic low self-esteem and feelings of shame. Victims may continuously question their self-worth and personal identity, affecting their social interactions and self-image.
Narcissists do not recognize any of their behaviors as irrational or unacceptable. Blinded by their perfect self-images, they believe all their reactions are justified.
Narcissists are impossible to get along with. You will never be accepted or respected by them for who you are. You don’t matter nor do your opinions, and you will never win a battle with them.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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