Relationship Conflict Resolution

Relationship Conflict Resolution

Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine

For many of us, relationship conflict resolution is considered more of a reflex than a skill. But fair fighting is an art form with clear rules to follow.

Conflict between people, especially those in intimate relationships, is normal and healthy. People who spend a significant amount of time together are bound to disagree.

Our response to conflict rarely comes from an objective or factually based point of view but rather a perceived one. Perception, which comes from outside our conscious awareness, is shaped by innate temperament, expectation, experience, and memory.

No two people have had the same life experiences. No two people have the same expectations in every aspect of their relationship. Given their different perspectives, preferences, values and opinions it is inevitable that couples will have conflicts.

The dynamics of relationships also differ; some couples argue often and some couples rarely disagree. Those with laid-back personalities tend to argue less and compromise more easily. Some never disagree. The lack of the need to disagree is not an indication of a perfect relationship. Quite the contrary—it often indicates a lack of passion for one another and a lackadaisical attitude toward the relationship.

Some arguments seem dire to one person and trivial to the other, though even the most seemingly trivial arguments can trigger deep emotions. It does not matter whether the issues are serious or what the outcomes may be. What matters is how the problems are dealt with.

The Art of Fair Fighting

For a relationship to be successful and endure, the lines of communication must stay open. That means airing grievances as they occur and listening without reaction or judgment to grievances when they are expressed.

Couples in healthy relationships should feel safe enough to honestly express their feelings to each other, knowing that their opinions will be respected, acknowledged, and heard. Still there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even the healthiest ones with the best communication skills go through rough patches.

We are human and our emotions fluctuate. Our levels of tolerance and patience decrease when we are tired or hungry, having a bad day, or not feeling well. During these times we may take our frustrations out on our partner—maybe nitpick or go into a rage over something trivial. We do that because we feel safe. We know that our partner will love us despite our mood.

Though our partners love and support us, they may not take the attack lightly. Their own anger may be incited. That is a normal reaction. It is a healthy response to feelings of fear, frustration, and surprise attacks.

Anger may compel us to do and say things that we do not mean and often regret later. But anger is not to blame. What we choose to do with our anger makes the difference between successful or unsuccessful conflict resolutions.

We all react to confrontation differently. Some see confrontation as a threat; some accept it as a normal function of relationships. The way we react has a tremendous impact on the success of our relationships. Our reactionary tendencies are rooted in childhood, but we can learn to change them.

We learn conflict resolution from watching how our parents do it. If our parents never disagreed or problem-solved in our presence, our natural tendency as adults may be fear and avoidance of it. That is not to say that parents should have knock-down, drag-out fights or argue excessively in front of their children to teach them conflict resolution. That is a very poor example. In fact it is child-abuse and very damaging to a developing child. If this kind of argument must take place, it should be taken to a private place where no one else can listen.

If you carry painful memories of frightening conflicts between your parents that left you feeling powerless, it is likely that you may fear it. You may also be intolerant of the least bit of upheaval. But the opposite may also be true. Perhaps you have modeled your parents’ behavior and established fighting and yelling as the norm in your own home. Examine your responses and where they come from. If your reactions are extreme in either direction you will have difficulty with conflict resolution.

Are you someone who fears conflict to the degree that you ignore your own feelings so you will not have to experience it? That cannot be working well for you. Issues do not disappear simply because they are ignored. Deeper concerns underlie every issue. At the heart of every problem lies a personal need to feel safe and secure, a need to feel respected and valued, and a need to feel loved and cared for. Left unattended to, unresolved issues fester and inappropriately erupt.

Healthy relationships do not just happen. Two people with two sets of baggage do not magically meld into one happy couple. It takes time and work to grow a relationship. The keys to success are: patience, rationality, negotiation and compromise.

When it comes to relationship conflict management, there are specific techniques that will bring effective resolution. These techniques are known as “fair fighting” skills.

We tend to think of fights as power struggles chock-full of uncontrolled outbursts, irrational behaviors, and insults. But conflicts never get resolved that way. Fair-fighting skills are established ground rules. They are methods of arguing in which disagreements and grievances become respectful, controlled confrontations. They are very effective because couples who feel safe in their argument style are more likely deal with issues as they come up. The more issues a couple successfully work through, the more trust and understanding they build with each other.

The Art of Effective and Respectful Communication

With healthy relationship conflict resolution, each party has the right to express his or her feelings in a constructive, respectful way and be heard in the same manner. That requires each person stay calm and maintain a fair level of control. The tension level of an argument can be kept at a minimum by speaking with calm voices.

If one person raises his voice in anger, the other party will automatically feel attacked. What is being said does not matter. Once one party takes a threatening tone, the other party is put on the defensive. Under these circumstances an argument cannot help but escalate.

Are you a passionate person who has a tendency to speak loudly when you are upset? If you are, make a conscious effort to tone your voice down. You may not think you are yelling, but the interpretation of your tone is subjective. If your partner feels threatened, whether or not you believe you are yelling, then be respectful and lower it. If you cannot restrain yourself it is best to walk away and cool off until you can. Let your partner know why you feel the need to do that.

Arguing brings out emotion, but emotion should never rule a fair-fought argument. Loss of control and over-dramatization will not bring a means to the end. To avoid that, always go into an argument knowing exactly what is bothering you and what end goal you are trying to achieve. If you are not in touch with what you want, no solution will be acceptable.

Do not expect your partner to read your mind. Do not assume she knows why you are upset or what you are thinking. Avoid playing guessing games like, “if you loved me you would know what is wrong.” Do not give her the “silent treatment.” Be straight-forward and honest about what is bothering you. Then give the other person a chance to respond.

If you are the one being confronted, make sure you clearly understand what your partner is trying to express. After you listen to his concerns, restate what you heard by saying, “What I heard you say was…” This clarifies that you are listening, shows that you are clear on where your partner is coming from, and lets him know that you are validating his perspective. Understanding the opposing viewpoint, even if you do not agree with it, puts you both on the same page.

If an issue needs more clarification it is perfectly acceptable to research the answer. If it turns out you are right and your partner is wrong, do not gloat or be judgmental.

While trying to prove a point do not compare your issues to the issues of others, make stereotypical comments to validate your point, or mention other people who supposedly agree with you. When fair-fighting, the only opinions that matter are yours and your partner’s.

Healthy relationship conflict management dictates that only one person should speak at a time. The other person should listen to her partner’s feelings and concerns without reacting, interrupting, or judging. If you are the other person, fervently waiting to respond or voice your rebuttal, you cannot possibly hear what your partner is saying. Be patient, listen, and wait your turn.

While you listen, be aware of your body language. Much of the communication exchanged during arguments is nonverbal. We convey many of our feelings through facial expressions, hand gestures, and posture. Non-verbal reactions like eye-rolling, foot tapping, grinning, or yawning are reactionary and just as interruptive as talking over someone.

Sometimes arguments involve underlying issues or a conglomeration of issues that have yet to be dealt with. In that case, the issue at hand is only a symptom of a bigger problem. When bringing up a topic of contention, always be specific about your argument and remain focused on it. Stay in the present. Do not go off-topic or mix in non-relevant issues from the past. That is a revenge tactic that weakens your validity and causes your partner to lose trust in you.

To avoid the tendency to throw the “kitchen sink” at your partner when you are upset, air your feelings as they come up. Holding them inside only to dump a toxic load of issues on your partner at a later date is unfair. You may clearly remember what happened but your partner probably does not. Lack of clarity will cause you to argue minute details that you cannot possible agree on.

Remember that with healthy relationship conflict management, issues should only be resolved one at a time and in the present. Attacking someone with a smorgasbord of things he supposedly did in the past will only put him on guard. He cannot fight more than one battle at a time or backtrack to the past. As a result, his reaction may be one of anger and defensiveness or he may feel defeated and withdraw. Neither of these reactions is conducive to conflict-resolution.

Arguments seem fairer when each person takes responsibility for his or her feelings. This can be achieved through the use of “I” statements. For instance you may say, “When ___happens, I feel ___,” instead of, “When you ___, you make me ___.” The first statement represents how you are feeling, the second statement sounds accusatory and blaming.

To keep conflicts fair, do not exaggerate points by saying, “you always…” or “you never….” These statements automatically put the other person on the defensive and feeling the need to say, “I do not always…” or “How can you say I never…” When this happens both parties lose sight of the original argument and a blaming match ensues.

Assuming responsibility for your feelings and acknowledging the role you play in a situation means no blaming, no insults, no foul language, no sarcasm, no name calling, and no character assassinations. These “below the belt” tactics, usually used when one feels as if he is losing the battle, demonstrate childishness.

When you attack the person instead of the issue it is hurtful and disrespectful; it breaks down communication and destroys trust. These tactics escalate anger, derail the focus of the argument, and make mutual agreements impossible.

It is similarly destructive to use threats and demands or withhold affection to get one’s way. These are manipulative tactics used to back someone into a corner. They are hurtful and very unfair. Unless one is going to go through with it, threatening to leave a relationship or get a divorce when she does not get her way is low-down and dirty. Once threats and demands are thrown in the mix, a simple problem becomes a monumental issue that the entire relationship seems to hinge upon.

It should go without saying that in healthy relationship conflict management, the use or threat of physical force on someone such as pushing, restraining, or hitting, is never acceptable. Breaking things, punching walls, and hurling objects are equally as threatening and violent. If the arguments in your relationship ever escalate to this dangerous level, whether perpetrator or victim, you must understand the seriousness and seek professional help.

Ending an argument in a positive way is vital to the continuation of a healthy relationship. It is neither positive nor healthy to apologize for something you did not do, just for the sake of ending an argument. But if either partner changes his or her mind or decides to surrender at any time during the fair-fighting process, the person should be allowed to retreat with dignity.

The Art of Compromise

Through relationship conflict resolution we are able to solve issues in a controlled, dignified manner, though not all problems are easily solved. The more complex the issue, the more attempts it may take to work through it.

Some people require more time and space than others to come to terms with an issue or reach an agreeable compromise. As long as each party is up front and honest about his or her needs, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a specified amount of leeway.

The needs and feelings of both parties must be considered when resolving a disagreement. Each partner must feel understood, cared for, and secure in the relationship before a mutually satisfactory compromise can be attained.

Compromise requires flexibility and options. For every solvable problem there are several solutions. Each partner should bring a few ideas to the table and then evaluate each other’s proposals by discussing the pros and cons of them. This is a brainstorming process that allows for the levity of humor. It is much easier to work as a team when both parties are laughing.

Before finalizing the compromise, be certain that both parties are comfortable with the terms and that no one will be left with residual bad feelings. Understand that there is rarely a “perfect” compromise; one party usually has to give in a little more than the other. That said, one partner should never have to give in more often than the other one does or make sacrifices. That may sound confusing if you have always believed that sacrifice and compromise is the same thing.

Some partners claim that they sacrifice to make their relationship work. To sacrifice means to forfeit something one person considers valuable for something he believes is of greater importance.

Sacrifices in relationships involve giving up an important aspect of the self to benefit someone else, and never getting it back. That depletes the one who is sacrificing and endows the other. The balance of the relationship is thrown off more and more with each sacrifice.

If you are always the one asking for forgiveness, even when you have done nothing wrong, you may be on the losing end of a manipulative, controlling relationship. This may indicate a deeper problem that fair-fighting skills and compromise cannot address.

Though intrinsically different, it may be difficult to distinguish where a sacrifice lets off and a compromise begins. That is because, conceptually, a very thin line divides the two actions. More simply put, when one person gives in more than the other it is called a sacrifice. When both parties mutually sacrifice it is no longer a sacrifice but a compromise.

A compromise is a settlement of differences in which each side makes a concession that keeps the overall balance of the relationship equal. Neither party gives up anything. They come to an agreement that is mutually satisfying. Compromise is essential to the success of a relationship; sacrifice is detrimental to it.

Closure is necessary after a compromise is reached. If reparations need to be made, make them. Apologize if you were wrong; just be careful when choosing your words. Your words should convey that you take or share responsibility for what happened. Be careful not to use blame in your apology by saying, “I am sorry you took it the way you did” or “I am sorry you misinterpreted my intentions.” Those are not apologies. They will only restart the argument or cause lingering resentment.

Do whatever you can to make your partner feel safe in expressing her apology. That is an act of humility on her part so accept it graciously. Give forgiveness whether or not it is asked for. Ask for forgiveness if it is due. This is all crucial to the healing process.

If you are someone who has difficulty admitting you are wrong or finds it hard to say you are sorry, examine your motives. There should be no shame in admitting you made a mistake or erred in judgment. Ask yourself if it is more important for you to be right than it is to reach a resolution. Are you open to looking at another perspective? Once you can acknowledge that your reality is not everyone’s reality, your relationships will be much more successful.

Couples do not have to share all the same opinions for their relationship to work. If in the midst of an argument you cannot come to an agreement and want to disengage from it, there is always the option of agreeing to disagree. It is a perfectly acceptable compromise as long as both of you can let go of the issue without carrying lingering resentments.

There may be times when a conflict cannot be resolved through the use of relationship conflict management skills, no matter how fairly the argument has been fought. When this happens, a neutral third party such as clergy, a psychologist, mediating counsel, or a psychiatrist should be consulted. Trained professionals can provide an environment that feels safe, making both of you comfortable enough to express your feelings. Therapists can provide guidance that gets to the heart of matter, teach you how to effectively communicate as a couple, and prepare you for future problem solving.

In Conclusion

Relationship conflict management, executed well, creates healthy relationship growth. The security of knowing that a relationship is strong enough to survive challenges makes it feel more unified. That feeling brings couples closer, more intimately connected. The most important thing to remember is that the two of you are on the same team. That team is your relationship. Every problem that occurs within your team is shared. Disagreements are not win-lose situations, but rather attempts to come to mutually satisfying solutions that preserve the relationship.

Randi Fine is a globally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the originator of the term Post-Narcissistic Reality Hangover™—a phrase she coined to describe the disorienting psychological aftermath survivors experience after leaving a narcissist. She is also the creator of the Emotional Hostage Loop™, a groundbreaking trauma-recovery framework that identifies the cyclical pattern of psychological conditioning used to keep survivors emotionally trapped.

She is the author of the best-selling, groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery, Second Edition—the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize and heal from abuse, this book also guides mental health professionals in identifying and properly treating narcissistic abuse syndrome.

Randi is the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse, and the powerful memoir Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to illustrate the lifelong impact of narcissistic child abuse.