Why Do We Stay With Our Narcissistic Abuser and What Makes It So Hard To Leave?
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
In the complex world of relationships, there is a challenging and often confusing interaction that many struggle to understand – the connection between a person and their narcissistic abuser. This dynamic is frequently hidden beneath layers of secrecy and shame, leading to a pressing question: Why do we stay with our narcissistic abuser and what makes it so hard to leave?
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a pervasive pattern of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and control wielded by individuals with narcissistic personality traits. These abusers exude charisma and charm, drawing their victims into a web of deceit and emotional turmoil. Over time, the victim's self-esteem and sense of reality can become distorted, leaving them emotionally drained and dependent on the abuser for validation.
The Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation
One key aspect of narcissistic abuse is the insidious cycle of idealization and devaluation. At the beginning of the relationship, the narcissistic abuser showers their victim with affection, admiration, and promises of a perfect future. This idealization phase creates an emotional high, binding the victim to the abuser through a deep sense of connection and intimacy.
However, this euphoria is short-lived. The abuser's mask soon slips, revealing their true nature – one of contempt, manipulation, and cold indifference. The victim is subjected to a constant barrage of criticism, gaslighting, and emotional abuse, leaving them bewildered and questioning their own reality.
Psychological Trauma and Cognitive Dissonance
The prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse can inflict profound psychological trauma on the victim. Gaslighting and manipulation erode their self-worth and confidence, leaving them feeling powerless and trapped in a cycle of despair.
Moreover, victims of narcissistic abuse often experience cognitive dissonance – a state of psychological conflict between their reality and the false narrative spun by the abuser. This internal turmoil can create immense confusion and ambivalence, making it incredibly challenging for the victim to break free from the toxic relationship.
Fear of Repercussions and Isolation
Another factor that contributes to the difficulty of leaving a narcissistic abuser is the fear of repercussions. Abusers often employ tactics of intimidation, threats, and coercion to maintain control over their victims. The prospect of retaliation or escalation of abuse can instill a deep sense of fear and anxiety in the victim, dissuading them from taking steps to leave the relationship.
Furthermore, narcissistic abusers are adept at isolating their victims from external sources of support, such as friends and family. This social isolation can leave the victim feeling alone, vulnerable, and dependent on the abuser for emotional connection and validation.
Eight primary reasons that prevent individuals from escaping abusive relationships with narcissistic partners:
1. Our Brains are Chemically Addicted to Them
The honeymoon phase is that exciting time when you think you’ve found the perfect partner and the chemistry is off the charts, leading to some incredible sexual moments. This creates a rush of "feel-good" hormones like Oxytocin and Dopamine in our brains. But it’s not just a happy accident; narcissists often use this to make us dependent on them. When the relationship takes a turn and you feel like you can’t do anything right, along with being criticized all the time, it can seriously affect your state of mind.
You’re yearning for those thrilling vibes you had with that person and want to feel them again. Your brain tells you she was being real and sincere, reassuring you, “I know that perfect person was real. If I just try this or that, she might come back.” On the other hand, you might think she’s just going through a rough time and that things will get back to normal once she sorts through her issues. But the reality is, she’s just an actress playing a part for you, and that ideal person you’re looking for never actually existed. So, you might end up spending years trying different things, thinking that if you get it just right, she’ll return.
Recovering from a love addiction is not an easy journey and demands time and effort. It necessitates abstaining from unhealthy attachments and may involve facing difficult emotional withdrawal. Nevertheless, with the right support and direction, you can heal and progress toward a more fulfilling life.
2. Reward and Abuse/Intermittent Reinforcement/Good Guy Bad Guy
The narcissist has a knack for mixing reward with abuse, flipping between intimidation and moments of sweetness. This manipulative oscillation of emotions keeps the victim confused and impacts the person's self-worth and feeling of safety.
The shifting roles of good guy/bad guy can confuse the victim. When she sees her aggressor act kindly, it makes her think there’s a chance he could reform.
Switching between rewards and mistreatment creates a feeling of helplessness and dependence, making the victim think they can't break free or succeed on their own. In relationships, victims might call this dependence "being in love."
Recognizing this pattern is crucial, and you should resist its pull. Follow your instincts. Abuse is abuse—don’t make it seem less serious.
3. Promise of the Future: Future Faking
It’s common for us to stay with a narcissistic abuser, drawn in by the dream of a future we envision together. We’ve had those deep conversations and made plans that feel so real. Even when the truth is staring us in the face, we cling to the belief that this person is our destiny.
Watching your hopes and dreams fade can be a deeply painful experience. It’s entirely normal to feel grief over that loss. Instead of clinging to what may never materialize, it’s healthier to focus on achievable goals. Allow yourself the time you need to process your emotions, and when you’re ready, start taking small steps toward creating a life that genuinely fulfills you.
4. Finances and Investments
We could find ourselves in a financial relationship with the narcissist. Perhaps we've provided her with a loan or invested in a property or business venture with her. Leaving means we accept that we probably won't recover our money.
Perhaps we are in a position where we cannot work, and that person is our only support. Narcissists strategically tie their finances to their targets to make leaving more difficult. Don't let financial issues keep you imprisoned. If you escape with your sanity, you've won. It may be tough, but you will persevere and rebuild your life.
5. Children
If you share kids with a narcissist, you're in it for the long haul, but you can walk away from the relationship and refuse to accept their abuse.
Leaving a narcissistic partner, especially when you have kids, is no walk in the park. They might not have much interest in the kids, but once you’re out, they’ll likely focus on making you suffer. They could try to take the kids away or turn them against you, which is a nightmare. The good news is, there are strategies you can use to navigate this and come out better.
Staying in a relationship just to keep the family intact isn’t the best move. Don’t hold off on leaving until your kids reach a certain age, thinking it’ll make things smoother. Each year spent with a narcissistic parent can harm your kids in ways that last a lifetime. It’s crucial to prioritize their well-being.
Reach out for legal and emotional guidance, plan your next steps, and when everything's sorted, make your move as soon as you can.
6. Fear of Being Alone
Many of us are haunted by abandonment issues from our younger years. It can feel like we’d rather endure an abusive relationship than face the fear of being alone.
Now is the right time to deal with those concerns; release the fear so you can move on in your life, free from abuse and with a sense of calm.
Once you break free from that toxic space and find some peace in being by yourself, you'll come to appreciate it. It may not be the ultimate situation, but at least you won't be constantly on guard, waiting for the next outburst or dealing with that cold, distant attitude.
7. Fear of Being Too Old and Starting Over
Those who have spent years in narcissistic relationships or got involved later in life may feel like they’re too old to change things up. This mindset can lead them to stay in the unhealthy relationship, thinking it’s better than being alone.
If you continue in this relationship, it will damage your health, leave you powerless, or potentially take your life. The stress you think you can handle is just stored inside and will appear in a seriously harmful way.
When you can no longer meet the demands of the narcissist, you will be deemed worthless; she will abandon you, leaving you vulnerable. If you can't leave for your emotional well-being, prioritize your physical health and safety while you can still escape.
Starting over is possible at any age.
8. Fear of Losing Your Friends or Family and/or Having Your Reputation Ruined.
This is bound to occur. The vengeful narcissist will do whatever it takes to ruin your reputation. He will position himself as the victim and you as the aggressor. Few, if any, will support you or affirm your experiences. That’s why it’s vital to establish your boundaries, confidence, self-validation, and self-love. When you learn to validate yourself internally and carry yourself with assurance, their attempts to undermine you will lose their power.
Engaging with a mental health professional who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery can provide you with the guidance you need, along with essential tools to build a healthier future.
A Hard Truth to Accept
Recognizing yourself in any of the eight reasons for remaining with a narcissistic abuser can be a difficult realization. However, it's crucial to understand that staying will not lead to a better situation. Fear can take away your power and give it to your abuser. You deserve to take back control of your life. The future may seem intimidating, but it is unlikely to be worse than your current reality. Please think about leaving while you still can.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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