Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
In the narcissistic family, it’s all about image. The focus is usually on “how it looks to others.” This can cause troops of people pleasers and encourage behavior that is not authentic. When children are told to “put a smile on that pretty little face,” or “people don’t like children who cry,” or “throw back those shoulders and act like everything is ok,” something gets damaged in the child. The message translates into “don’t be real,” and “don’t have feelings.” A primary internalized impression found in children raised by narcissists is: “You are valued for what you do and how it looks, versus who you are as a person.”
If a child spends extensive childhood energy attempting to gain love, approval, and acceptance from a narcissistic parent who cannot provide it, that child learns the ingrained behavior of people pleasing. The result is disturbing because it creates co-dependency and even an extreme tolerance for aberrant behavior in others. When others are mean, the adult child of narcissistic parents transforms into the one who takes the blame, apologizes, and feels “they” must be nice. They ultimately even end up trying to fix the problem. The hurt is there, but is accepted and taken anyway, because they have learned they cannot expect anything else. Common phrases heard from the co-dependent are “I’m fine” and “I’m sorry.” The message carried from childhood is that everyone is supposed to like you. Well… do you like everyone “you” meet? Isn’t it true that at least fifty percent of the people you meet… you might not really like? You may not choose to take them home as your best friend or to meet your children and family? They may not be your kind of folk, or they may have different beliefs and values from you. You don’t have intense negativity towards them, but they might not be “best friend material” for you or your family. So, why would it not be true that at least fifty percent of the people you meet, may not like you? This can be a relief to those who believe that every single person must like them. It can lift the weight of trying to please everyone, which results in the ultimate journey of impossible endeavors. So, do we have to be nice to people who are mean to us? What do we do? Do we have to expend significant energy to make it be